u r gonnae feckin luv this lot!!
Ive gone with the irish theme
Paddy called in to see his friend Seamus to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Seamus replied "Nope I'm moving house."
Aa priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist clerk' I do hope that pornography channel in my room is disabled miss?' She replies' No Father, it is just ordinary regular porn, you sick bast*rd!'
Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Maryy. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Maryy looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of whiskey, I got it for my husband." The woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said: "Good trade."
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the saints, what are you doing down there?"she shouted from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours." "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back. "Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down. "I can't" says he, "I've drank it!"
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. "She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem.I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realise that I cannot lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"